gotta be honest
drunk me was a poet last night

im drunk and feeling disguarded
i want him and he wants someone. 
idk if its really me
and he blames me for everything that isnt me
but its not there yet
oh how i feel so bad that im here. 
if i wasnt..
hed be free 

my boyfriend loves his friends more than me.
i know it now
he loves me because i give him the love he craves and all the other "needs" met
but i know in the end im more bothersome than enjoyable
oh to not be psychic anymore
i just want my man to love me unconditionally without being annoyed at my behaviors in other times. im hoping he will go back to unconditional obsession but idk how real that was.
one day someone will love me in a way where I feel it and not feel embarrassed or scared to be me.
im so scared for my life in this group
i think my boyfriend barely tolerates me.
i feel so bad I've taken over his prime college years.
oh to alcohol and being right before my limit
if i were to manifest anything i would manifest loyalty onto my man
i was black out and he made out with another man. no one knew how wasted i was
i wish this love could have been real but im just waiting until he realizes he doesnt love me, he just loves the benefits that come with a lady.
i dont understand our relationship i dont think and i hate it
i know he doesn't respect me. as much as i dont wanna leave he might have lied to me about Halloween
i might have done less than I thought while he did way more
i should just let what i suspect play out
hopefully if im right he'll leave me nicely

why the fuck do i always know whats gonna happen before it does im so tired of this shit im so tired of feeling this way.

so since 2016 least I've been heavily on the internet. which weirdly has come with a tiktok addiction? I've had it since I got my phone when it was musically. but literally every phone I have has tiktok burned into the screen. and it's not even like I post there cuz I really want attention. no I just kind of like posting as if I'm sitting there acting out these music videos cuz like I die to be in a music video. but like I also really miss posting YouTube content. from like 2016 to 2019 I posted on YouTube a lot and I really miss it. I honestly have been thinking about starting posting like that again because I want to be able to gain access to the middle school version of myself that I'm trying to bring out because she just was so on apologetically her.

 I miss my grandma and not in just she died and I'm never going to see her again away and I lost the only family member I ever felt familiar with. she genuinely treated me like she was my mother and she loved me so much. I feel so bad for her because I know for a fact that whatever she looked at me she probably thought of her son. when I was 10 months old my father passed away from cancer and then when I was 13 his father passed away and I don't even remember why. and in March of this year my grandmother passed on.  I genuinely don't know what to do anymore but she was such a beautiful lady and she'd really tried to help me and save me.  she was the one person in my life that understood that pushing me got nowhere. she guided me and tried to figure out what was best to help me do the things I need to do.  I think she was the only person in my life that realized that I might have had a little bit of a disability and she tried to be as gentle with me as possible. I'm so sad that she was forced to move away when I was so young and then she died when I was barely an adult. I remember being 13 and saying to myself if only I was older. if only I could just care for her the way she needed because I would have done anything to be her caregiver since she did so much for me. I miss my dad and I miss my grandma and I miss my grandpa and I just want them all back because I'm just so alone. and I hate the afterlife. I hate the thought of them having to see me like this as I sob and cry about how much I miss them because of how my mom is. genuinely don't know what to do because the only way I'll ever be possibly able to see them again is if I die but no one even knows what happens in death.  after my dad died my mom got rid of a lot of the things that he owned and when my grandfather passed I only got his computer and now I don't even have that anymore. and now after my grandma passed the only true thing I have are photos and her ring. and I wear her ring everyday but sometimes I see it and I only think about the fact that she's gone and that's the reason I have it and she'll never come back and there's nothing I can do to bring her back and there was nothing I could do to ever bring our memory back.  when my grandfather died in 2019 I told my mom and I told every single person in my life that when Grandma died that would be my fucking problem. that would be the worst death for me and I never even realized that this entire year has just been hard. I miss her so much. my substance abuse and all of my problems have completely blinded me. I never realized that I've still been recovering from her fo Walmart r. I really wish I could just honor her with my life, but I know for a fact that if she saw me right now she would take me into her arms and she would just hold me. try to convince me that everything's all right. she didn't talk to me about she loves me even if my mom doesn't. I really wish I went to see her more even after she lost her memory because she was just the kindest lady ever. I genuinely don't know how I've been so okay about her death this entire year. I would do everything to get her back if I could but death is just so finite. it hurts me so much that I know that I'll never be able to talk to her again. she was my biggest supporter and she always would be and I don't even know how to get past it. I have never been as comfortable with anyone as I have been with her and I miss her so much. I miss her more than I miss the concept of having a dad which I love my dad so much but I never ever got to meet him and I spent so much time with his mother. she was the closest thing I ever had to him. the closet i ever had to having a parent. I'm realizing I barely ever grieved or death. all I did was cry when I found out and then I just went away but it hurts so much. I miss her.  I don't even know what to do because yeah it was earlier this year and when it hits next year it'll be a year but I miss her more than life itself.  I just want her support back i want to know shes here with me. Even with how bad I've gotten I know she wouldn't sit there and say horrible things about me. she would try to convince me that I am okay and I'm struggling and I can get okay again   I'm really happy that this is the mindset I have about her, even if it wouldn't have ended up being real. at her memorial I was told that my father wanted to take me away from my future abusive mother.  and then he died.  I don't understand why everyone put in my life that is supposed to protect me either dies or can't do it.  it explains why I can't even protect myself.

 this that with every passing day I am consistently just living my life trying to get to tomorrow and when you live like that every single day you lose a lot of life and you lose all your effort. and as I wish I could just stop doing this. I think this is a spiral I will be stuck in until I move out of my house and I don't know when this could ever be because I don't have a car or a job or money.  
I really want to get super personal on here but I know I can't because I eventually want to like soft launch this on other social media and how I post the blog and have people I know follow me so they can see how I'm doing but without having to actually check in on me because I prefer people not trying to figure out how badly I'm doing while I'm doing badly because I'm not going to talk you about it but I love talking about it. I just don't like telling people about it because I'm worried that I'm being manipulative. I honestly wish I was more involved with my therapist because that could probably help me a lot more. but I kind of just wish that I could even and talk to the people I care about more without feeling like I'm manipulating them into caring about me because I really just live a sob story and I hate it. but it's true it's my life. this is what I live through every single day and the fact that it makes people sad listening to it. I'm like guys. what about me? I'm living it

 almost ruined my life on Halloween, and honestly, I probably did ruin my life, but currently I'm living in a state of limbo.   I got like horribly drunk blackout even, and I said some things that really aren't even a part of my character. like I genuinely don't understand how I act like this and now I'm having to deal with the repercussions of it even though I've never even heard of myself acting like this. but because of my actions I almost lost my boyfriend, we might not have broken up but he was right. nothing will ever be the same even if it is something that he can get over. I have already been on a horrible downward spiral and now genuinely. all I can think about is what he said to me during whatever you call it.  honestly the whole situation gave me. I guess I would have to say PTSD? I mean I'm really not sure what you'd call it cuz I wasn't having flashbacks but I was having reoccurring feelings from a different situation. from every single breakup in my last relationship. I know I shouldn't be doing this but the entire week after I almost ruined my life I've drank almost everyday. and I really don't think that's good but I genuinely don't understand how I'm supposed to make through my days anymore. I've turned myself into an addict and apparently now an alcoholic and I genuinely don't know how to help myself anymore since people who are supposed to be my support system are kind of separated from me.  I'm too afraid to talk to my boyfriend about my issues now because I'm afraid that I'm guilt tripping him into staying with me and I can't talk to my mom about my issues because she figures out how to use everything I say against me. And I really don't have any friends that I could talk to at least ones that are completely no judgment, which is what I need because I already know my issues and I don't need people to remind me about how badly I'm doing. right now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm trying to get to it but I'm still stuck at the bottom of the pit and the reminder is of how badly I was doing just push me farther back down. 
(sorry for the typos, I was voice typing this)

I am too understanding to hold anyone to any standards.  I feel like i am a burden to everyone in my life.  why am i so behind while everyone is doing so well.  i feel like an afterthought.  like a doctors appointment you scheduled, that youre dreading but you just keep forgetting about it until you actual have to deal with it.  Ive been thinking about death a lot.  I really don't want to kill myself tho.. i want to feel better and loved and like im a first choice.  like im on the right path. like people want me there and that im a vital member in the group..  but thats not who i am as a person.  im stuck forever being a floater, always having many "friends" but no home group to return to and bond with.  I a side character in other's stories. a character to be thrown away at the end of an era.  i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know who i want to be and i dont know how to get better. i dont know how to tell anyone how i truly feel anymore because i dont want people to think i cannot help them.  if i cannot help or care.  how will anyone want me to be around.  The second i let my guard down fully weather it be due to alcohol, or hanging with someone who knew the semi outspoken me,  people view me as annoying, someone to be embarrassed about.  but i dont want to change her. shes the only bit of me i have from childhood.  My memories have evaded my mind, even long before my weed dependency.  I miss remembering things, but thank god i dont.  most of my life is not worth remembering.  
i HATE how i act in anxiety inducing events.  why am I anxious that something happened that is out of my control.  im always so terrified that ill be blamed. because although i am not the direct cause.  i am at the root of it. 
Ive also noticed that anytime something positive or good happens to me.  something bad happens to my boyfriend. and i dont know how to solve that.  id rather just bare the burden instead of watch everyone else suffer.
im bending over backwards to make everyone happy while i overexert my poor poor body.  mistreating it just to get a sliver of joy for me, and the energy to push on for others.

although i know im loved
i truly feel alone.