11/07/25

[mossyswamptoad]

 almost ruined my life on Halloween, and honestly, I probably did ruin my life, but currently I'm living in a state of limbo.   I got like horribly drunk blackout even, and I said some things that really aren't even a part of my character. like I genuinely don't understand how I act like this and now I'm having to deal with the repercussions of it even though I've never even heard of myself acting like this. but because of my actions I almost lost my boyfriend, we might not have broken up but he was right. nothing will ever be the same even if it is something that he can get over. I have already been on a horrible downward spiral and now genuinely. all I can think about is what he said to me during whatever you call it.  honestly the whole situation gave me. I guess I would have to say PTSD? I mean I'm really not sure what you'd call it cuz I wasn't having flashbacks but I was having reoccurring feelings from a different situation. from every single breakup in my last relationship. I know I shouldn't be doing this but the entire week after I almost ruined my life I've drank almost everyday. and I really don't think that's good but I genuinely don't understand how I'm supposed to make through my days anymore. I've turned myself into an addict and apparently now an alcoholic and I genuinely don't know how to help myself anymore since people who are supposed to be my support system are kind of separated from me.  I'm too afraid to talk to my boyfriend about my issues now because I'm afraid that I'm guilt tripping him into staying with me and I can't talk to my mom about my issues because she figures out how to use everything I say against me. And I really don't have any friends that I could talk to at least ones that are completely no judgment, which is what I need because I already know my issues and I don't need people to remind me about how badly I'm doing. right now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm trying to get to it but I'm still stuck at the bottom of the pit and the reminder is of how badly I was doing just push me farther back down. 
(sorry for the typos, I was voice typing this)