11/07/25

[mossyswamptoad]

I've started to realize that none of my friends not my boyfriends not the people I've talked to, not my friends, know enough about me to save me. because when I create and they sort of relationship I noticed the parts of me that annoy people and I do whatever I can to tone them down. I don't have anyone that I feel as though I could specifically open up to without feeling like I'm being manipulative and horrible and I know that's not good in life, but that is currently where I'm at and I don't really know how to break out of this. I'd love to be able to tell my boyfriend, but at this point I know how bad I've gotten. and I mean because of him I'm not hurting myself. but now I'm hurting myself in other ways that I've really never expected to and I cannot believe that I have become a fucking alcoholic and a substance abuser.  for a while I would smoke pot to help with the problems with my mom but then after a while it just ended up being me smoking to survive everyday because I'd wake up and we'd fight and it was the only way I could get myself to be calm enough to deal with the fight and then get past it. but now almost like every couple weeks. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can ration it how I can deal with the fights in different ways and nothing ever really helps. this time last semester I filled my time with talking to specific guys on the internet. trying to make myself feel loved even though I knew these guys shouldn't want me. actually one that blocked me last year in October. tried to contact me this year on October and I genuinely cannot stop thinking about talking to him but I don't want to cause a rift between me and my boyfriend now, especially because he's concerned about me cheating even though I genuinely have never cheated on anyone. it really sucks because I have thought about this man a lot over the year and as much as I don't want him back I really would love to tell him off on the way he treated me and just also apologized him from my actions because even though I'm still in the same way I know what's wrong with my problems.  I'm so extremely self-aware and I'm so tired of people acting like I'm not. I'm not a 5-year-old. I've been an adult practically since I was 10 and now that I am an adult being forced to live with my mother who hates me, I feel even more with a child than I ever have. I can't drive. I have no job. I'm failing at college. I'm struggling to get shit done. I can't keep my room clean. I can't keep my chores done. I don't keep myself dead. I don't keep up with my hygiene. it sucks because whenever I hear myself talking about this or writing it down like this that's textbook depression. I sound like I'm struggling so fucking badly. but no one in my life is ready to help me the way I need. no one knows how to help me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to get help when my entire family just keep looking at me and keep going well. get academic help. maybe if I had motivation I could get academic help and it would work but I have no motivation. I have less than no motivation. great. I made a hat great. I made another hat. woohoo! what about my school work? what about the stuff that I physically cannot push myself to do even though I know I'm failing now because of it? I don't understand how I'm supposed to push myself when no one has ever tried to push me in the right direction. everyone just keeps pushing me towards their goals and I want to reach my own goals but because of everyone else planning out everything for me. I have no goals. I have no life. I'm not even a real person anymore. and I think this really sucks. another wonderful thing to add is I'm very suicidal but my lovely autistic brain is horribly terrified of death and hates thought of their being nothing after and so as much as I want to end everything I can't let myself because what happens? if there is nothing I don't want there to be nothing. if there's nothing that's boring, I'm convinced that I will be conscious in nothing. I'm not ready to let go of life even if it's horrible just because I'm afraid of death. I also will sit here and beg for death and do things that bring myself closer to death without even fully comprehending it and I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep going but I also can't end it.  so for now I will artificially kill myself and spend most of my days drugged up because hopefully if I do this I'll be able to get out of here alive.