11/07/25

 almost ruined my life on Halloween, and honestly, I probably did ruin my life, but currently I'm living in a state of limbo.   I got like horribly drunk blackout even, and I said some things that really aren't even a part of my character. like I genuinely don't understand how I act like this and now I'm having to deal with the repercussions of it even though I've never even heard of myself acting like this. but because of my actions I almost lost my boyfriend, we might not have broken up but he was right. nothing will ever be the same even if it is something that he can get over. I have already been on a horrible downward spiral and now genuinely. all I can think about is what he said to me during whatever you call it.  honestly the whole situation gave me. I guess I would have to say PTSD? I mean I'm really not sure what you'd call it cuz I wasn't having flashbacks but I was having reoccurring feelings from a different situation. from every single breakup in my last relationship. I know I shouldn't be doing this but the entire week after I almost ruined my life I've drank almost everyday. and I really don't think that's good but I genuinely don't understand how I'm supposed to make through my days anymore. I've turned myself into an addict and apparently now an alcoholic and I genuinely don't know how to help myself anymore since people who are supposed to be my support system are kind of separated from me.  I'm too afraid to talk to my boyfriend about my issues now because I'm afraid that I'm guilt tripping him into staying with me and I can't talk to my mom about my issues because she figures out how to use everything I say against me. And I really don't have any friends that I could talk to at least ones that are completely no judgment, which is what I need because I already know my issues and I don't need people to remind me about how badly I'm doing. right now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm trying to get to it but I'm still stuck at the bottom of the pit and the reminder is of how badly I was doing just push me farther back down. 
(sorry for the typos, I was voice typing this)

11/07/25

I've started to realize that none of my friends not my boyfriends not the people I've talked to, not my friends, know enough about me to save me. because when I create and they sort of relationship I noticed the parts of me that annoy people and I do whatever I can to tone them down. I don't have anyone that I feel as though I could specifically open up to without feeling like I'm being manipulative and horrible and I know that's not good in life, but that is currently where I'm at and I don't really know how to break out of this. I'd love to be able to tell my boyfriend, but at this point I know how bad I've gotten. and I mean because of him I'm not hurting myself. but now I'm hurting myself in other ways that I've really never expected to and I cannot believe that I have become a fucking alcoholic and a substance abuser.  for a while I would smoke pot to help with the problems with my mom but then after a while it just ended up being me smoking to survive everyday because I'd wake up and we'd fight and it was the only way I could get myself to be calm enough to deal with the fight and then get past it. but now almost like every couple weeks. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can ration it how I can deal with the fights in different ways and nothing ever really helps. this time last semester I filled my time with talking to specific guys on the internet. trying to make myself feel loved even though I knew these guys shouldn't want me. actually one that blocked me last year in October. tried to contact me this year on October and I genuinely cannot stop thinking about talking to him but I don't want to cause a rift between me and my boyfriend now, especially because he's concerned about me cheating even though I genuinely have never cheated on anyone. it really sucks because I have thought about this man a lot over the year and as much as I don't want him back I really would love to tell him off on the way he treated me and just also apologized him from my actions because even though I'm still in the same way I know what's wrong with my problems.  I'm so extremely self-aware and I'm so tired of people acting like I'm not. I'm not a 5-year-old. I've been an adult practically since I was 10 and now that I am an adult being forced to live with my mother who hates me, I feel even more with a child than I ever have. I can't drive. I have no job. I'm failing at college. I'm struggling to get shit done. I can't keep my room clean. I can't keep my chores done. I don't keep myself dead. I don't keep up with my hygiene. it sucks because whenever I hear myself talking about this or writing it down like this that's textbook depression. I sound like I'm struggling so fucking badly. but no one in my life is ready to help me the way I need. no one knows how to help me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to get help when my entire family just keep looking at me and keep going well. get academic help. maybe if I had motivation I could get academic help and it would work but I have no motivation. I have less than no motivation. great. I made a hat great. I made another hat. woohoo! what about my school work? what about the stuff that I physically cannot push myself to do even though I know I'm failing now because of it? I don't understand how I'm supposed to push myself when no one has ever tried to push me in the right direction. everyone just keeps pushing me towards their goals and I want to reach my own goals but because of everyone else planning out everything for me. I have no goals. I have no life. I'm not even a real person anymore. and I think this really sucks. another wonderful thing to add is I'm very suicidal but my lovely autistic brain is horribly terrified of death and hates thought of their being nothing after and so as much as I want to end everything I can't let myself because what happens? if there is nothing I don't want there to be nothing. if there's nothing that's boring, I'm convinced that I will be conscious in nothing. I'm not ready to let go of life even if it's horrible just because I'm afraid of death. I also will sit here and beg for death and do things that bring myself closer to death without even fully comprehending it and I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep going but I also can't end it.  so for now I will artificially kill myself and spend most of my days drugged up because hopefully if I do this I'll be able to get out of here alive.

11/07/25

 this that with every passing day I am consistently just living my life trying to get to tomorrow and when you live like that every single day you lose a lot of life and you lose all your effort. and as I wish I could just stop doing this. I think this is a spiral I will be stuck in until I move out of my house and I don't know when this could ever be because I don't have a car or a job or money.  
I really want to get super personal on here but I know I can't because I eventually want to like soft launch this on other social media and how I post the blog and have people I know follow me so they can see how I'm doing but without having to actually check in on me because I prefer people not trying to figure out how badly I'm doing while I'm doing badly because I'm not going to talk you about it but I love talking about it. I just don't like telling people about it because I'm worried that I'm being manipulative. I honestly wish I was more involved with my therapist because that could probably help me a lot more. but I kind of just wish that I could even and talk to the people I care about more without feeling like I'm manipulating them into caring about me because I really just live a sob story and I hate it. but it's true it's my life. this is what I live through every single day and the fact that it makes people sad listening to it. I'm like guys. what about me? I'm living it

11/07/25

 I'm realizing that touch is my love language. which makes a lot of sense because I really prefer to be hugged by the people I love the most, which mostly ends up being whoever I'm dating. I think my mom has ruined the concept of family affection because she only ever hugs me when she wants a hug after a fight and that really sucks because I have this like mental feeling of a mother loving and hugging me. but whenever she hugs me I feel nothing. I feel empty. and the entire time me and my boyfriend are having an issue. all I wanted was to be held by him because he's the only love I've known in a while.  all I ever want to do is be embraced by love but I realized that most of my life ends up with me losing it and being completely disconnected.  I know that in the future my love language will probably end up changing just due to my circumstances in life. maybe I'll just end up being an active service person and making everything for everyone because I already make gifts for every single person in my life. hoping they'll stay longer.   I feel like I might be secretly evil and no one wants to tell me about it because I genuinely don't understand how every single person in my life could leave me the way they do it and I know if my mom had the option she would leave me to and it really just sucks

11/07/25

 I miss my grandma and not in just she died and I'm never going to see her again away and I lost the only family member I ever felt familiar with. she genuinely treated me like she was my mother and she loved me so much. I feel so bad for her because I know for a fact that whatever she looked at me she probably thought of her son. when I was 10 months old my father passed away from cancer and then when I was 13 his father passed away and I don't even remember why. and in March of this year my grandmother passed on.  I genuinely don't know what to do anymore but she was such a beautiful lady and she'd really tried to help me and save me.  she was the one person in my life that understood that pushing me got nowhere. she guided me and tried to figure out what was best to help me do the things I need to do.  I think she was the only person in my life that realized that I might have had a little bit of a disability and she tried to be as gentle with me as possible. I'm so sad that she was forced to move away when I was so young and then she died when I was barely an adult. I remember being 13 and saying to myself if only I was older. if only I could just care for her the way she needed because I would have done anything to be her caregiver since she did so much for me. I miss my dad and I miss my grandma and I miss my grandpa and I just want them all back because I'm just so alone. and I hate the afterlife. I hate the thought of them having to see me like this as I sob and cry about how much I miss them because of how my mom is. genuinely don't know what to do because the only way I'll ever be possibly able to see them again is if I die but no one even knows what happens in death.  after my dad died my mom got rid of a lot of the things that he owned and when my grandfather passed I only got his computer and now I don't even have that anymore. and now after my grandma passed the only true thing I have are photos and her ring. and I wear her ring everyday but sometimes I see it and I only think about the fact that she's gone and that's the reason I have it and she'll never come back and there's nothing I can do to bring her back and there was nothing I could do to ever bring our memory back.  when my grandfather died in 2019 I told my mom and I told every single person in my life that when Grandma died that would be my fucking problem. that would be the worst death for me and I never even realized that this entire year has just been hard. I miss her so much. my substance abuse and all of my problems have completely blinded me. I never realized that I've still been recovering from her fo Walmart r. I really wish I could just honor her with my life, but I know for a fact that if she saw me right now she would take me into her arms and she would just hold me. try to convince me that everything's all right. she didn't talk to me about she loves me even if my mom doesn't. I really wish I went to see her more even after she lost her memory because she was just the kindest lady ever. I genuinely don't know how I've been so okay about her death this entire year. I would do everything to get her back if I could but death is just so finite. it hurts me so much that I know that I'll never be able to talk to her again. she was my biggest supporter and she always would be and I don't even know how to get past it. I have never been as comfortable with anyone as I have been with her and I miss her so much. I miss her more than I miss the concept of having a dad which I love my dad so much but I never ever got to meet him and I spent so much time with his mother. she was the closest thing I ever had to him. the closet i ever had to having a parent. I'm realizing I barely ever grieved or death. all I did was cry when I found out and then I just went away but it hurts so much. I miss her.  I don't even know what to do because yeah it was earlier this year and when it hits next year it'll be a year but I miss her more than life itself.  I just want her support back i want to know shes here with me. Even with how bad I've gotten I know she wouldn't sit there and say horrible things about me. she would try to convince me that I am okay and I'm struggling and I can get okay again   I'm really happy that this is the mindset I have about her, even if it wouldn't have ended up being real. at her memorial I was told that my father wanted to take me away from my future abusive mother.  and then he died.  I don't understand why everyone put in my life that is supposed to protect me either dies or can't do it.  it explains why I can't even protect myself.