11/07/25

[mossyswamptoad]

 I miss my grandma and not in just she died and I'm never going to see her again away and I lost the only family member I ever felt familiar with. she genuinely treated me like she was my mother and she loved me so much. I feel so bad for her because I know for a fact that whatever she looked at me she probably thought of her son. when I was 10 months old my father passed away from cancer and then when I was 13 his father passed away and I don't even remember why. and in March of this year my grandmother passed on.  I genuinely don't know what to do anymore but she was such a beautiful lady and she'd really tried to help me and save me.  she was the one person in my life that understood that pushing me got nowhere. she guided me and tried to figure out what was best to help me do the things I need to do.  I think she was the only person in my life that realized that I might have had a little bit of a disability and she tried to be as gentle with me as possible. I'm so sad that she was forced to move away when I was so young and then she died when I was barely an adult. I remember being 13 and saying to myself if only I was older. if only I could just care for her the way she needed because I would have done anything to be her caregiver since she did so much for me. I miss my dad and I miss my grandma and I miss my grandpa and I just want them all back because I'm just so alone. and I hate the afterlife. I hate the thought of them having to see me like this as I sob and cry about how much I miss them because of how my mom is. genuinely don't know what to do because the only way I'll ever be possibly able to see them again is if I die but no one even knows what happens in death.  after my dad died my mom got rid of a lot of the things that he owned and when my grandfather passed I only got his computer and now I don't even have that anymore. and now after my grandma passed the only true thing I have are photos and her ring. and I wear her ring everyday but sometimes I see it and I only think about the fact that she's gone and that's the reason I have it and she'll never come back and there's nothing I can do to bring her back and there was nothing I could do to ever bring our memory back.  when my grandfather died in 2019 I told my mom and I told every single person in my life that when Grandma died that would be my fucking problem. that would be the worst death for me and I never even realized that this entire year has just been hard. I miss her so much. my substance abuse and all of my problems have completely blinded me. I never realized that I've still been recovering from her fo Walmart r. I really wish I could just honor her with my life, but I know for a fact that if she saw me right now she would take me into her arms and she would just hold me. try to convince me that everything's all right. she didn't talk to me about she loves me even if my mom doesn't. I really wish I went to see her more even after she lost her memory because she was just the kindest lady ever. I genuinely don't know how I've been so okay about her death this entire year. I would do everything to get her back if I could but death is just so finite. it hurts me so much that I know that I'll never be able to talk to her again. she was my biggest supporter and she always would be and I don't even know how to get past it. I have never been as comfortable with anyone as I have been with her and I miss her so much. I miss her more than I miss the concept of having a dad which I love my dad so much but I never ever got to meet him and I spent so much time with his mother. she was the closest thing I ever had to him. the closet i ever had to having a parent. I'm realizing I barely ever grieved or death. all I did was cry when I found out and then I just went away but it hurts so much. I miss her.  I don't even know what to do because yeah it was earlier this year and when it hits next year it'll be a year but I miss her more than life itself.  I just want her support back i want to know shes here with me. Even with how bad I've gotten I know she wouldn't sit there and say horrible things about me. she would try to convince me that I am okay and I'm struggling and I can get okay again   I'm really happy that this is the mindset I have about her, even if it wouldn't have ended up being real. at her memorial I was told that my father wanted to take me away from my future abusive mother.  and then he died.  I don't understand why everyone put in my life that is supposed to protect me either dies or can't do it.  it explains why I can't even protect myself.