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mossyswamptoadI am too understanding to hold anyone to any standards. I feel like i am a burden to everyone in my life. why am i so behind while everyone is doing so well. i feel like an afterthought. like a doctors appointment you scheduled, that youre dreading but you just keep forgetting about it until you actual have to deal with it. Ive been thinking about death a lot. I really don't want to kill myself tho.. i want to feel better and loved and like im a first choice. like im on the right path. like people want me there and that im a vital member in the group.. but thats not who i am as a person. im stuck forever being a floater, always having many "friends" but no home group to return to and bond with. I a side character in other's stories. a character to be thrown away at the end of an era. i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know who i want to be and i dont know how to get better. i dont know how to tell anyone how i truly feel anymore because i dont want people to think i cannot help them. if i cannot help or care. how will anyone want me to be around. The second i let my guard down fully weather it be due to alcohol, or hanging with someone who knew the semi outspoken me, people view me as annoying, someone to be embarrassed about. but i dont want to change her. shes the only bit of me i have from childhood. My memories have evaded my mind, even long before my weed dependency. I miss remembering things, but thank god i dont. most of my life is not worth remembering.
i HATE how i act in anxiety inducing events. why am I anxious that something happened that is out of my control. im always so terrified that ill be blamed. because although i am not the direct cause. i am at the root of it.
Ive also noticed that anytime something positive or good happens to me. something bad happens to my boyfriend. and i dont know how to solve that. id rather just bare the burden instead of watch everyone else suffer.
im bending over backwards to make everyone happy while i overexert my poor poor body. mistreating it just to get a sliver of joy for me, and the energy to push on for others.
although i know im loved
i truly feel alone.
i HATE how i act in anxiety inducing events. why am I anxious that something happened that is out of my control. im always so terrified that ill be blamed. because although i am not the direct cause. i am at the root of it.
Ive also noticed that anytime something positive or good happens to me. something bad happens to my boyfriend. and i dont know how to solve that. id rather just bare the burden instead of watch everyone else suffer.
im bending over backwards to make everyone happy while i overexert my poor poor body. mistreating it just to get a sliver of joy for me, and the energy to push on for others.
although i know im loved
i truly feel alone.
